I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
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Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.