Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
You Might Also Like
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings