I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
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I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.