her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
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There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.