i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
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No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together