I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
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Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.