ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
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If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
The 4 stages of a family vacation