I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
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Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
*3.5 thank you very much.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen