HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
You Might Also Like
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Ummm
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.