*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
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Spring of Deception
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Generation gap…
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*