Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
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The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
me and the Superbowl rn
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
notice
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]