Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
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“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
The Sun
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there