Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
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Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later: