I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
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No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us