receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
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Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Nose
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.