Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
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Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Dear Lord..
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally