Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
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All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.