Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
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all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Pat is about to own someone
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.