It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
You Might Also Like
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
2022: I can fix it
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.