If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
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8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you