Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
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Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?