waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
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WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?