Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
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Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people