Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
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instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
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*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Otters see a butterfly.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE