Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
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I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️