Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
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why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello