Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
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If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself