5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
You Might Also Like
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.