I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
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“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer