Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
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Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc