Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
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With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT