“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
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When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets