Wednesday
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cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
I need better friends
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.