Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
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Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Lassie, get help!
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee