#milo
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It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Me when my alarm goes off
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?