Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
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[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
A man of commitment.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.