caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
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Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!