This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
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PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
RT if you could go either way.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery