y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
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The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry