Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
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Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”