My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
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[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 馃檨
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I was led to believe there鈥檇 be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
If it鈥檚 dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 馃憦馃徏馃憦馃徏馃憦馃徏
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don鈥檛 know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who鈥檚 boss
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don鈥檛 worry, simply check-in your bags here. That鈥檚 23 kilos you鈥檒l never see again.
I feel a little cheated when someone鈥檚 bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we鈥檙e all so pleasant
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet