If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
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This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip