Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
You Might Also Like
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
I beg your pardon?
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
*watches the world burn*
just leave it at the foot of the bed