4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
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I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”