*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
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Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
😩😩😩
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Gods work.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice