7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
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Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
cat vs inanimate object
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone