In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
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I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”