*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
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lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
he was correct
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
and this one
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.