ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
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*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.