“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
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*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
When I laugh on my period
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.